tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
how many times in life can you be kicked out of a pizza buffet for vomiting on the food and insulting small children
I am currently eating pure cake frosting...I am not sure how I was ever referred to as a responsible adult.
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
Oh my god. You have got to get off that breast feeding support group. They're on to you, dude.
I sent "Rawrrrr" to 151 matches on Tinder. I feel like thats a substantial size of the DC female population.
Apparently we carried the stove upstairs. I Woke up with it in my room.
I still maintain we were not that drunk......
Dude, Dimensionally it doesn't even fit in that stairway! We might have to knock a wall out to get it back down!
So, just saw a lady hysterically sobbing in a Walmart at 3 AM. Someone's not having a happy mother's day.
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
I made it 1 week... 5 business days at my new job before sleeping with my coworker.
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
I just saw a guy faceplant off a unicycle while holding a saxophone, while his buddy riding another unicycle and sporting a flute rode by laughing
Only at UConn...
The high school classes are online, not my sex life. He still comes over for “teacher / parent conferences.” A couple more “conferences” and I’ll be able to rewrite the Sex Ed curriculum
Randomize