meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
There are few people I can ask this w/o being looked at as insane... Do you ever some days get fascinated by how amazing your own breast look?
He puts stickers to promote his new shirt company in every sack he sells. He's like the donald trump of weed
for the record, graham crackers won't get the taste of cock out of your mouth. also we're out of graham crackers
youre just mad because i have donuts and im beautiful
The last bar we left there was a sausage stand right outside and I apparently felt bad those guys were working that late, so I bought a $9 sausage, gave it to some drunk kid and said "I support local businesses!!" I'd say I've done my civic duty.
You need to let him know my only agenda is coke and sadness.
I'm convinced my penis is the only thing holding this relationship together.
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
it's always good to have a friend that's a hairdresser, a massage therapist, maybe throw in a lawyer just in case, and always have a friend on food stamps
I think the pizza guy was in shock..
Well I didn't mean to answer the door only in socks but I mean come on, 4 hours of sex works up an appetite! I WAS RAVENOUS
So I don't think the seahorse breeding thing is gonna work.
That was random, even for you Mom.
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
Woke up this morning with a plate of ravioli in my bed. Who says being single can't be fun?
i wish i could put you in a lil box, and keep you for when i need to be blown
Randomize
