mondays should just be called national damage control day
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
I kept telling myself all night that it was completely okay for me to lose all sense of my morals because it was my birthday.
She came in to my room half naked at 3am asking me if I had seen the movie balls deep 7
K, so let's go ahead and say that mcnugget and margarita Tuesday was a bad idea
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
It's time for everyone's favorite Wednesday night game... WHEEL OF. VODKA!!!!!
THERE IS A WINE CUBE IN MY ASS THIS IS NOT GOING AS PLANNED
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
She wants to go furniture shopping for memorial day so we've gotta go portable
thermos full of jaeger bombs?
Affirmative
You know I'm having a rough day when I'm curled up in the corner eating Spaghettios.
We drunkenly made out once four years ago and then he immediately vomited and honestly I've never gotten over him
Hey when you get home, can you do me a solid and throw one of your pregnancy tests on my bed?
EPT or First Response?
I like how I can go from sucking dick in the my basement to singing along to veggie tales with my family in a span of 10 minutes.
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
Randomize