what part of "i slept with our hot teacher" are you not excited about?!
the part where you beat me to him
fair enough.
Just made a coke joke and literally drooled on myself. How do we feel about pavlov's theory of conditioning now?
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
Hahah fuuuck, bag pipers played around me while I threw up. Literally
Do you think if I tell the hot Santa at work that I want a sugar daddy for Christmas that he'll get the hint?
well he somehow got his hand stuck in some bike spokes trying to reach for a blunt he dropped and that's NOT the reason he's in the hospital...?
Home-made laxative recipe: activia yogurt and tequila shots. Any ratio ought to work.
I woke up with my earring stuck inbetween my tits. Somehow you fucked my earring out and my boobs saved it. I'm pretty impressed with both of us right now.
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
I promise that I won't shotgun beers with your boyfriend this time, Scouts Honor.
Man, coughing on your period is like the biggest gamble a girl can make.
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
I think it stinks she’s cheating on him. My vagina on the other hand is tingly thinking about a summer of sexual healing
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