Pretty people don't get stds, I knew it
I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
It was a rude awakening when I turned on my phone and the first thing I saw was a picture of David's dick with a face on it, I need to stop drinking in his basement...
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
i looked at my phone & had a message that said "tell your friend she needs to clean my livingroom, i dont appreciate her trying to turn it into a bubblebath." I give you probs.
Just tell your mom you have to go somewhere half naked with a strange man. She'll understand
Ran into my neighbor that's always crying. I wonder if she's like; "I ran into my neighbor who's always playing with her vibrator?"
I feel like I was dropped out of a helicopter. Through the propeller.
I'm wearing a utility belt filled with alcohol
I'm surprised they let us keep partying at that hotel bar, that's like the 3rd time I've had to try blocking the view of him peeing off the balcony. I earn my free drinks.
I believe in using alcohol to heal from the inside. Not as a topical solution.
You partied and then got cock slapped, Don't tell me you didn't have fun
The fact that he quoted freebird as his breakup speech was a little more classy than expected
I just described cereal to my mother as "acoustic breakfast soup".
who is this
Let's just say I peed the bed last night, and I wasn't in it alone. Whoooops
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