I'm going to use my one free fuck up card tonight.
What'd you do?
Its more like what im about to do.
I never said you were fat, just too fat for ME
Katy Perry is on a Proactiv commercial. That "I kissed a girl" shit is so much less hot now.
The girls we hooked up with were hammered, pushing each other in a shopping cart into the sushi place and through the restaurant... One's a volunteer EMT. God help her patients.
Bartender just fed me brownie. Its going to be a good night
Since he's sober and out of jail, he acts like we are the worst people on Earth. Fuck him, the only acceptable time in life to do coke is the early twenties. He won't take that from us.
Nvm, he just almost drank his drink from last night, his drink that has the condom in it. Kinda answers my question.
That bar is one yeast infection away from total annihilation.
Go for gold. Two birds with one vag.
There is a 90 percent chance I threw up in a mailbox last night....
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
Nothing makes me prouder to be liberal and socialist than the idea of desecrating the memory of Ronald Reagan
I need your opinion, is it ACTUALLY sweet that a booty call offered to walk me home with an umbrella because it was raining, or is that just low standards?
Sorry, was sleeping. I heard a rumor that I had a hangover, so I just went with it...
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
Randomize
