batman just walked across the sidewalk
lay off the drugs
no for real he was wearing a cape
So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
Sad Moment: I only had enough $ at 711 to buy chips or salsa. I chose salsa and took a plastic spoon
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
Please put me in a whole with no windows and never let me out.
I know. I told you I'm a mess. She had weird nipples. I almost lost an eye to one.
You were so calm and collected as you strolled out the door with 40 mcdonalds cups in your arms. It was legendary.
I was trying to climb into what I thought was a bunk bed.. Turns out it was just a cabinet under the sink in a bathroom
Bringing my cat to a booty call was not my finest hour
I just watched your sister pour half a bottle of cotton candy flavored snow cone syrup into a bottle of marshmallow flavored vodka, take a swig, frown, and pour a cherry coke in.
Just wait until she offers you a "powerita"
COME TO THE TOP OF THE MOUNTAIN AND I WILL GIVE YOU MY SAGE ADVICE.
God specifically crafted these hands to deal out orgasms.
my gyno just used the expression "dick around." too far?
Currently standing at the bus stop in just a pillowcase and its fucking snowing
Convinced if I was being murdered in my house no one would come and save me. If no one heard my 10000000 orgasms last night, there is no hope.
Randomize
