I GOT EATEN OUT IN A MERCEDES ON A TUESDAY NIGHT. I EARNED THIS SHIT.
You dont remember anything at all? So you dont remember the shop down my road with the 'TO LET' sign over it? You were adamant that the 'I' had fallen off and that it used to say TOILET...so you took a shit right there in the doorway.
Somewhere out there, someone is getting laid. And then theres me, watching Star Trek porn while my roommate plays World of Warcraft next door
i can recognize that vagina from a mile away
She stopped mid hookup to ask me if we'd be done before Taco Bell closed.
I beat my mom's friend's boyfriend in a vodka chugging competition. Our generation FTW.
You asked me if you had to go downstairs to get upstairs. And then you forgot where you were.
I don't know his last name, but he's in phone as Pat the conqueror.
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
if becoming an adult is chugging a bottle of wine in your bed and crying about your stresses while your dog watches you, sign me up
Starting this Monday as I always do
With a desperate plea for help
I've officially slept through a hurricane, a tornado and had sex during an earthquake. I'm surviving.
i've got three words. i. was. spanked.
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
Randomize
