On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
Where are I am going home with Ryan
I don't know who this or Ryan is but it is probably too late to talk you out of it
i just bought ciggarettes using my court citation as id. I've reached an all time low.
the only reason i even kissed her was because we were having sex when it midnight, and i heard people yelling "happy new year."
we just pregamed for our presentation... gotta love group bonding
I'm pretty sure you thought I could absorb alcohol through my dress
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
Just saw a guy walking down the street carrying a giant inflatable penis
Just arrived at our party
Woke up covered in green glitter and beer. I am never leaving Ireland.
GLITTER SLIP N SLIDE MUTHAFUCKAH~
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
Haha, how do I word that nicely? "You got me to the edge of no return twice and failed to let me orgasm, therefore you owe me chicken nuggets or hot wings. Your decision"
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
Randomize
