I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
you should wait a day or two to break up with your girlfriend
why?
so we can have sex in the meantime. It adds a little excitement.
It's summer and yet I still can't have one library session w/o seeing someone who has had their penis in me.
U asked everyone for their hoodies so u could "safely hug the cactus"
I hope he didn't notice that my shirt was inside out when I told him I didn't have sex with the guy. Kind of a dead giveaway.
The key to alley sex is drunkeness.
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
It's either gonna be a cock in my mouth or a burger. You decide which.
COME HERE WE MELTED A CORONA BOTTLE WITH FIREWORKS
Han Solo would be ashamed of me.
Also CANADIAN LIPS TASTE OF MAPLE SYRUP AND APOLOGIES. SORRY.
Question for you. Do you want to go out somewhere or do you want to have sloppy joes at my house? That's not a euphemism for anything; I actually have stuff to make sloppy joes
I got her number but I don't think I'll be able to smash, I was pretending to be British AND I forgot her name
Here’s how sick I am. I’m not hungry. I don’t want coffee. And I don’t want dick. So, you know it’s bad.
Your dad was just slow dancing with the priest and holding a beer. Classic
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