At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
Remind them to make the "above the influence" commercial about us fallin off a ferris wheel
I'm walking down the halls of our hotel and listening for sex noises and knocking when I do.
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
I forget the details, but I'm told that I drunkenly stalked him around floor yelling obscure Jewish laws at him
We gotta make a movie eventually. All good, long-lasting relationships include a homemade porno
Not much, just your average college male Sunday cleaning period blood out of the carpet.
Tell me you're kidding.
Besides scarred, I'm not much of anything right now.
Dunno yet. Probably just gonna play the s.t.d. russian roulette game with random bartenders at the beach again. Same 'ol same 'ol
We all just did coke and we're coloring so if you're sober its pointless for you to come over here
No we don't really celebrate valentines day, we just use it as an excuse to drink 3 bottles of red wine and fuck for a few hours.
Apparently I'm a "fire hazard"
You just put lesbians and Hogwarts in the same sentence. Of course I'm in.
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
I bought a machete, tennis balls, and matches. How is this NOT going to be a great night?
You spent twenty minutes waxing poetic about her ass and her thighs
Randomize
