well..after leaving the bar you handed me your wallet and said you didnt need it cause you were going to find the cash cab and added 'i'll see you on tv'
he cried for an hour, then he threw up on my lap then started singing party in the usa...opera style...
He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
My roommate is trying to suck beer out of the rug.
The dumpster is full of naked people swimming. I'm going to join.
Realized it was likely to be cursed, didn't want my own Johnson magically turning into some sort of fire breathing reptile and eating me
That is an interesting fear as well as image
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
Your exhaustion is probably due to your rampant sexual urges and the fact that you live the same life as a raccoon.
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
80% sure the drag queens carried her home
You hit a new plane of existence as we all watched in awe
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
OKAY THAT'S CREEPY AND I'D PROBABLY ACCIDENTLY ORGASM
I DONT WANT YOUR DICK. I WANT BRUNCH.
you just don't appreciate it because you've never been arrested
Randomize
