I just wish we had the ability to download food from our TVs.
She told me she got a 15 on her A.C.T.. that's when I knew it was a done deal.
Homeless guy on the metro is drinking beer out of a coke bottle. Hello friend.
She tased me when I walked in the door. Thought I was trying to steel her weed.
i mean, we fucked on the futon in the garage where his band practices. pretty sure im now obligated to like his band on facebook.
I really wish you were half the slut you're sister was in college
Then you can skip the embarrassing can I date your ex since you're a lesbian now conversation
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
MY BRAIN IS OSCILLATING. DOES THAT EVEN MAKE SENSE
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
How does one get out of sexting without being rude? I'm trying to watch Downtown Abbey
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
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