Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
Just saw a girl trying to crack an egg with her butt cheeks. I think I know what we're doing thursday night.
any advancement on the stomach flu vs. pregnancy scare of '10?
not exactly restoring sanity, but he is throwing up on the national mall right now
then my gynecologist said "its like opening up buried treasure"
Yeah he doesn't get it. We had to change the subject to Keanu reeves before someone got hurt.
Someone spilled vodka all over the elevator floor. Bring straws.
so i might have figured out why that girl isn't talking to me...I'm 90% confident I didn't give her a pillow when she stayed over >.>
Bro, she said my penis was the best thing to happen to her mouth since teeth.
My dog got laid yesterday. Some lady came over with her husky to breed. He did it like a champ. I was so proud
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
I woke up naked and you weren't here. What a relief.
You walked in with a bag of weed and asked for a watermelon. For some reason they actually gave you one, and you made it into a perfectly working bong. Two of them offered their girlfriends to you for the night.
I don't know why, but whenever I shave my balls I feel more aerodynamic.
I didn't really break out of the friend zone, as much as I blasted the doors off with high explosives and rode through on a grizzly bear...
Randomize
