new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
i just carried on a conversation with my mother from another room mid-ejaculation. you would have done the same
he breathalyzed me before we had sex.
friends with benefits? more like friends with awkward sexual tension
she said, and i quote, "i want to black out with my rack out"
I feel like college is just an experience in what names I can't name my future son.
after last night my drinking related hospital bracelet collection is up to 13
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
I joked that if anyone could fuck a 35 year old woman while wearing head bands and arm sweat bands it's you and look what happens.
We can see it once so I can see the whole movie, then I'll go see it with him so I know when the boring parts are and I can have sex with him during those parts
I started singing I believe I can fly in the shower and it was like the first stage of insanity
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
at that point, I wouldn't blame you because I'd be so ashamed I couldnt even have sex with myself.
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
There is an episode of "how it's made" on tv right now. The subject is tequila and water beds. Basically my life.
Randomize
