i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
That's ok. I found a crab leg in my bed and have no pants on.
I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
Just ran into that guy that tried to take a dump in your pool
Spotted: woman loading franzia into a toddler-sized shopping cart for her child to push. Beautiful.
I've only been home four days and my parents' cleaning lady already wrote down the number to AA and told me she's praying for me.
Just peed in a urinal with another girl. It's that kind of night.
I can't wait for you to see these terrible photos I'm about to have taken with some stripper looking girls. I don't know what this photographer is thinking
We were licking ciroc off the poker table
I will have to bone him sometime between now and July so he will move all my shit again
My sobriety has gotten out of control. I think I need an intervention.
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
Some days, I wish I could get a hug from a furry muppet
I admit I fucked your best friend, but to be fair, you fucked the tristate area. So there's a good chance about 40% of those people are MY friends.
Randomize