party started at 10. cops are coming to shut us down now and its 11. i already lostmy underwear and im wearing a sparkly thong on my haed. this has to be some kinda record.
worst 3rd wheel sitch ever. i'm crammed into a booth with him and chubs mcgee and his hand is between her legs. thank youuu karma.
Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
Found a dirty envelope on my seat w ur name and $122.50 written on the front. Nothing inside but what looks like dirty pine needles
For the record, chili cheese fritos are not a chaser.
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
Besides. I seriously had a dream that George W Bush came over and slapped some tabs down on my kitchen counter and said "let's get juiced.". It was a sign to not get too fucked up
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
Grass is always greener, Allison, grass is always greener
The grass is drunker and I'm lying down on it
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
I have 3 bottles of vodka in my room telling me not to go to work tomorrow.
I'd call the fact I ended up in my own bed a huge success
I deserve a medal for being woke up at 6am on my day off by your mother asking where your brother is
Randomize
