i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
Of all the things I am low enough to do, how could you even doubt if that was one of them?
Did they have a limo or was i just stoned?
WHY IS EVERY MAN IN THIS CITY GAY? IS IT SO BAD TO WANT TO BE TREATED LIKE A PIECE OF SHIT BY A REALLY HOT STRAIGHT MAN FOR A NIGHT?
What are you talking about?! I shot gunned a monster while simaltaneously blowing gym boy Todd. If I'm not the poster child for being well rounded and versatile I have no idea what NYU is looking for
is there a reason blood came out of my hair in the shower?
head injury at diner. you headbutted the wall a few times because it got in your way
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
That kid i sell weed to just had his mom give him a ride over here she waited in the car while he bought a bag
One of my students submitted a thesis proposal to find the exact correlation between desire for sexual intercourse and vaginal heat.
Tell me you accepted it! This is critical fucking research!
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
I drank all the wines... and all th Doritos. Whilst watching Fat Camp. I need to reassess my values.
Randomize
