Banned from zoo.
Again?
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
You're the only person I know who would say "we'll play it by ear" referring to a threesome
it was a whole new experience in the world of ball fondling
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
He just told me that when we were doing it I told him I was the captain and he was the boat. Im too embarassed to ask for money for a cab.
Woke up w/ the same freshman as last Saturday but we were sober this time. Is that a relationship?
I am still STD free so as far as I am concerned I never went to panama.
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
Can we smoke pot out of a menorah?
and it's like......my shirt is off and he's talking about quidditch. why.
He woke me up at 6:30 to have sex again and afterwards, he didn't even judge me when I asked him if he wanted some rum. I think I found my soulmate.
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