I went out, and slept with my sunglasses on
i wanted to be an indian when i was a child. apparently you cannot grow up to be an indian.
So I guess I passed out face first on the ground while trying to grill last night
Well hey if hot cowboys are involved then all bets are off.
no seriously, she's legit pissed i'm late to lunch because i was watching full house. there's obviously no future here.
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
I never thought that it would get to the point where I would have to specify that by "hang out" I meant "fuck like rabbits." Growing up shouldn't be this way.
I've slept in a different bed every day this week. Operation Ho Ho Ho is a success!
I like using largw condoms because they are more comfortable but also I feel bad because it's like false advertisement
Would you like to partake in getting high as fuck with your best friend and then proceeding to cry over the shit head guys we deal with?
Herpes is not a lady problem you can solve with shower beers and kissing boys
No no no, work drunk and day drunk are totally different. I got drunk with a client and made a huge sale at 1pm. You are still in your PJs and jacking off.
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
Randomize
