we're chasing vodka with high fives
They threw me out of the bar because I was arguing business ethics with the owner of th bar
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
im so sorry the vomit froze your passenger door shut... you should have stopped.
Watching crazy stupid love and drinking alone isn't what I thought it was gonna be
Its TONS better. Expect a drunk dial at 11:54
how bad is she
captain morgan with tits
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
He left npr on the whole time when we were doing it. ironic that i lost it on the 100th anniversary of the titanic. thanks michelle norris.
Nothing is worse than post drunken playoff baseball loss sex
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
I asked him if he wanted a pillow, and he replied "No. Batman never had pillows."
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
why is there a wheelchair in the hall and why does it look like we banged in it?
Had sex on the beach last night with a drug dealer. win-win-win situation
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
Randomize
