if she shaves her mustache, i'll let her give me head
for on dont try to tell me you love me after three weeks of talking, for two if you are going to do that stay away from the song lyrics to a very good country song that you happened to ruin by using it, and for three erase my number im fuckin your sister now
Im so hungover that my 6 year old cousine made me aspirine and coffee out of playdoh...
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
Do you think a former stripper/heroin addict constitutes as a high risk sexual partner?
I'm trying not to drink. I may fall down if I move. This is bad. I had everclear before the bar. Oh no. Oh no. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.
There's no point in calling it Big Titties Tuesday if girls with big tits don't get anything special
Lest we forget our veterans. Also that two years ago I lost my virginity on this day in a hot tub. Go me for being the worst person on earth.
How bad would it be if I wore out the dress we got peed on in. You're the only one who knows.
sometimes, you gotta take him by the hands like tails took sonic, and fly him into the bedroom.
moral of the story: if your going to mix ambien and free skyclub alcohol, take a direct flight or have a layover in a city you wouldn't mind having to return to for a court date.
Well. I hope my dad likes whatever sweater stoned me picks out.
bonus check + party bus = big hot mess
I know he’s married, but he’s still a guy with balls and a dick. He noticed my cleavage and stared at my ass. He’ll call.
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
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