Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
she looked like the bat from fern gully.
I don't know what he sees in her. All I see are horrible pancake nipples
The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.
I think the fact that I shit my pants, threw away my underwear in a frat bathroom, lost my socks down a drain in the front yard and still got laid... deserves some sort of a victory drink for myself or a blowjob for him since he was such a good sport.
So neither of us had a dollar bill and we couldnt find a straw so we spent all nite doing coke through penne pasta
I KNEW IT. I HAD A FEELING. THIS IS GODS CURSE. BREAK UP WITH A SEX GOD. GET ONE OF HIS PEASANTS.
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
I will rip it off your body in ways are socially offensive but you still kind of like.
I "liked" his changed relationship status just to show him I'm ok with the fact he found someone not as pretty as me
Well supposedly when the cops came, they say I tried to get them in a conga line like Jim Carrey in The Mask. So....yea
fucking him is like fucking old faithful. you could set your watch by his orgasms.
you woke up this morning in a laundry basket, only wearing rainboots.
we should paint friendship bongs
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
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