Scratch that. Lia's boy toy's brother has a gorilla costume. This is gonna be great.
talking dirty on facebook chat is the new phone sex.
She's the only person who can pull off turning an outdoor patio heater tower into a stripper pole.
Worst ten minutes of my life, it's was like trying to put a marshmallow in a piggy bank....
I dont think I should be allowed to pick my own boyfriends anymore
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
You said you were going to start drinking less. Drinking 25 small airplane bottle shots do not count.
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
You’re about to have a sober threesome with a rando at a Fenway bar?
There is a man in my bed with "new zealand" tattooed on his back. Wtf happened last night?
I made it out of the house. Success.
It's not better out here. I'm at Target hyperventilating in the aisles.
I just made out with his twin, technically it's the same person..... Right?
I guess we coulda said a little less mature audience and a little more e for everyone.
Randomize