My husband just tried to seduce me by saying we can do it doggystyle so you can watch tv
They should really pass out barf bags in church
He thought I was flirting with him but really I just needed someone to hold me up.
Remind me again why sleeping with a coworker and his wife would be a terrible idea.
So how much of last night are we going to pretend never happened? Enough to stay friends?
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
Yep. How's your hangover?
It's like I fucked its sister and it's getting back at me.
Ok I am NOT pregnant. I could shove coal up my vagina and my uterus would turn it into a diamond in a matter of minutes
Our relationship is representative of a cognitive bias that leads to bad decision making and misplacement of resources. So should we pick up some whiskey tomorrow?
She's impossible to please. Other than with two fingers and a tongue.
Right, try not to commit a felony that costs more than 4 dollars cause that's all I have in my bail jar.
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
And you are going to be so turned on by my batman skills later
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
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