Everyone just saw your hickey on TV and on the jumbotron at the hockey game.
Thanks dad.
I'm blazed at jack in the box and my order number is 420. I wish everything in the world made this much sense.
i do not condone bathtub ky wrestling
i could totally date him if i was just drunk the whole relationship
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
Lucas & I had a photo shoot with her cape & I had child arm floaties on most the night.. woke up in a spiderman bed
What vodka is american?
Skyy. I already looked it up for 4th of july.
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
They should just send me home - I'm literally doing nothing but watching porn and listening to pandora.
Treating myself to outback while reading the entire manual that comes with my birth control in public. Is this what single has come to?
You took motorboating me in public to a whole new level. You poured your beer down my top and LAPPED IT UP.
I just accidentally deep throated a popsicle in front of my parents
That was right around the time that the drunken mess pulled out his dick in front of myself and like 10 other people and started peeing all over the train platform while saying, "Sometimes a bear gets you brother. Sometimes a bear gets you."
Pretty standard Thursday night commute for you, no?
I had to google some of the kinky sex shit she was telling me she was into.
If that is not a reason to propose to her then I don't know what is
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
Randomize
