In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
do you think there was ever a doctor who smelled his finger after giving a prostate exam?
why the fuck are my pubes caked with bread crumbs?
I just burped smoke on the bus. Hello 6:48am
I sobered up in the middle of it, that I was hooking up with him in a rosemary bush. I woke up smelling like a pasta dish
Dude, you went to another fraternity's formal as a joke and came home with one of their dates. AND you managed to get her number. Please explain to me how that's not a good night.
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
She got engaged last night. I don't think you should ask her out man.
It looks like I jerked off a rainbow.
you got into a really intense arguement about protecting bees. it was wierdly arousing.
I don't need inspirational quotes. If I'm going to be motivated, it will be by anger and spite.
I basically go to him for great dick and great memes.
Well, you started screaming "I dont know you GO AWAY" to your mom when she was holding your hair as you threw up in her garden.
im mourning your vaginas lack of frictional upkeep
Randomize
