Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
Just got mistaken for a cardboard cutout ad in line at Taco Bell. New low?
How long is it safe to eat only Hot Pockets and Popsicles?
I just had a boat ride of shame. With Senior Citizens.
its official. the only way for my hair to look good is to blow somebody
We're sitting in his room writing songs about America. There's a verse about a dead dog. There's tequila everywhere.
Night is still young. Puking guts out part of it just began
I'll just save you what dignity you have left by letting what happened die with your lack of memory and/or liver.
My legs have surpassed "hairy" and entered the territory of "furry". Maybe I should just suck it up and shave already
No now I'm curious!
Come now. I'm bloody but I'll give you the best fuck of your life.
Do you rver get that feeling like their are poprocks filling ur boday?
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
He's still short.... And probably a douchebag. But if we ever run into him downtown I fully encourage you to take him home and have "I hate you douchebag" sex and lick every inch of that disgustingly toned chest.
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
you put your keys in the fridge so you wouldn't forget your yoohoo
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