I did the walk of shame to another booty call
I don't think that should turn me on, but it does
What's the politest way to tell someone that you're only interested in them when they're naked, and even then it's just like a passing "meh?"
Is it bad that Pitbull has taught me more Spanish than high school did?
naighbors jacking off again. i swear its his friday night ritual, its like he knows the night wont be ending in his favor
he asked me if i wanted "a hit" off his inhaler. its definitely time for a new roommate
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
Be here at 3:30. We'll find out how much beer can fit in a Mini Cooper.
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
todays sighting is titled: Bum taking pictures with an invisible camera.
Dude. I've never been with a guy who just wanted to go down on me all the time including while I'm shooting zombies on call of duty. My life is complete.
It's funny that when I fall down as an adult I'm so much happier no one saw than that I'm not seriously hurt.
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
The guy whose porn password I use finally renewed his membership. Lazy fucker had been slacking all summer.
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