I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
As a pleasant surprise..I woke to find a Burrito and Bottle of Gatorade .....Merry XMAS to ME
I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
Someone told me that drinking would get me no where in life. Drinking has gotten me everywhere in life.
just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
It's Monday. What a great day to start the weekend on the week of st. Patricks day
I just got a facebook invite to join a group called "bring back the old franzia spout." i never want our generation to grow up.
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
There's a guy here who is improvising his own shadow dance on a table against the wall, in case you're wondering how my night is going
sitting in the kitchen naked and eating stirfry, random dude left my room saying thanks and gave me a bottle of wine. explain...
Good news. His dicks gotten wayy bigger since high school. I love Thanksgiving break.
Like did he really think I just hit him up for dick !? It's 11:30 am , these ain't hoe hours
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
I woke up with a pube in my teeth...I'm disturbed cause we're both clean shaven
His sex game is strong it’s like a warlord’s dick! you know what I mean?
Nope
Randomize
