You cheat on me once, shame on me. You cheat on me with a white girl, it's fucking over
i woke up naked with 27 half ripped $ bills in my bed from ripping them off the wall of the bar
she laid there and continued moaning loudly for like 10 minutes after we were done, just so that her mom would be jealous
He asked me if I could call his penis destroyer... Uhh SOS.
I just test ran being their maid. I'm getting 50 bucks a month and they're buying the costume.
He sent me an email apologizing for sleeping with her...and by that I mean he sent a picture of his dick to my school e-mail
Meeting his dad and brother for the first time at the jail while I'm bailing him out ISN'T exactly how I pictured this relationship going....
How many trips to the liquor store in a week constitutes alcoholism?
Just a heads up... Don't get high and attempt to do your own taxes
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
Ryan got so drunk he gave a hobo $20 and I had to zip tie him to the bed so he doesn't out stupid himself
Sorry for cyberstalking your dad.
We had sex on his grandparents floor... the taxidermy deer was staring at me the whole time!
Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
Randomize