a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
I didn't wanna be that girl that took a shit in the ocean..
just to let you know, its not cheating if i cant feel my hands.
Thank God I did Vegas bombs with those cops at their Christmas party. We should so be in jail.
I woke up in her bed, she woke up in mine. Apparently there was a miscommunication after the 8th jager bomb.
The guy I met last night said we had a real connection and gave me his AA coin because he met me during his relapse
They're not that bad of drunks, they come back to the vehicle with more stuff than they went in with, so its a profitable venture.
My mom sucked on that joint like a nipple and she was a fucking newborn
Sleeping in a car was not on my list of plans for the night.
Fair warning birthday party last night avoid kitchen & upstairs bathroom if you value your remaining sanity
she hacked my macbook and downloaded an illegal version of the original pokemon red, completely nude in my computer chair. there were several levels of hornyness existing all at once
I'm not allowed back because I may or may not have insulted his beer. And the entire Czech Republic.
Pants are for mortals
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
I'm going to blow a ton of money on sex toys just so I can tell you to do better than them.
Randomize
