That's kind of creepy but I guess since I'm wearing your dad's pants nothing is off limits anymore
my boyfriend just said he'd go down on me if I gave him my password to facebook
we made a giant pot of alcholic jello. i filled a gallon bag and brought it to dorms. desk guy gave me weird looks, he doesnt realize this is how i will pass all of my room searches
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
he just told me he'd rather go to the pirates game. i know it was desperate but i said id give him roadhead if he let me come along.
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
Also, that dude projectile vomiting all over the living room was the perfect distraction for me to swipe the booze and run.
Boobs are also good for catching the vodka gummy bears that miss my mouth
Imma do me. And by that, I mean I'm going to walk across campus still drunk at 9am on a Tuesday.
I'm sorry but you're choosing a girl that faked a pregnancy when you wouldn't return her calls over a more attractive sane girl who you begged for a chance with last week? God you're a loser.
I felt like a personal hot pocket and all I could taste was cigarettes.
Drunk me really does appreciate that sober me made a list of movies to watch when drunk it saves so much time
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
Well I mean I HAD done a pretty good job of not pooping myself through the years
So you're not gonna be in town tonight?! Your dick was the light at the end of my academic tunnel!
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