Phease come get me i thought i was in a place i don't even understand
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
dude, when you're random girl from last night came down the stairs this morning she fell all the way down. I laughed. She just walked out. I hope shes ok. Tell her I give her a 10 for that landing though.
Well I woke up with a note on me reading Dear Passed Out Girl, and ending with why I shouldn't drink so much. Damn Tequilla.
Whatever. I indirectly made you cum overseas. Call it even.
Still at home. Videotaping hamsters.
He offered me a trade. He'll come sober to my parents 25th anniversary dinner if I let him tie me up for an hour.
Update. bondage is a lot harder than it looks.
He said I took his samurai sword off his wall and proceeded to jump off his porch at people coming home from the bar.
I've sold more douches working here than one man should sell in a lifetime
She wanted me to stick my dick in the birthday cake she got me
Fuck you, dude, I'm not sharing my weed anymore if you're going for the Panthers.
Smoked a joint with mom, best Thanksgiving ever!
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
I think I hear the ice cream truck
I could be going crazy though
NO IT IS THE ICE CREAM TRUCK IT'S ALMOST AT YOUR STOP
Randomize
