So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
Is there a nice way to say "I like you, but I hate your dick?"
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
24 hours later and my vagina is still tingling. That good.
its like what part of i just threw up mcdonalds breakfast means i want to make out with you?
you have a wonderful penis attached to someone I'm having a lot of problems with right now
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
I woke up completely naked with the exception of my leg warmers. Last night must have been interesting.
I just had sex on my kitchen counter. It's like the American dream
Dude. why do I feel like I am cheating on you every time I do shrooms?
I didn’t want to see that boob. I told her not to show me but she said “no, I’m going to show you”
I KEEP THINKING INAPPROPRIATE SEXUAL THOUGHTS ABOUT YOU AND I AM SORRY.
You let the ASEXUAL teach sex Ed?!
Randomize
