Emee failed...She used my genitals as a tampon
I just realized that i have never seen about 30 percent of my friends sober before
under NO circumstances is it acceptable to fist pump to taylor swift
This is one of those times where I really wish my vagina could tell me what happened last night.
We don't have a ruler. Come downstairs and lay in the snow with a boner so we can see how much snow we've gotten. Put your 8 inches to a less shameful use.
We bought home drug tests to see which of us could make it look more like a kaleidoscope. What happened to the days of innocent fun trying to best everyone with a breathalyzer?
Well, I made it all the way to the gas station. And from there, I begged a cab driver who was parked outside, to give me a piggy back ride the final 2 blocks to my apartment. I wasn't in the cab. Didn't have to pay. Drunk me is smart, and very lazy.
Can I just have sex with him and then never talk to him? I need him to be the Mr. Miyagi of my sex life.
Hold on, I need to find something to wear that says "I don't contribute to your daughter's drug problem"
Moral of the story: fuckboys never change
Wine is the only reason I'm making it in the real world
I tried to bring you in when you passed out on the porch but all you said was that I "ruined your hope ands dreams of becoming an astronaut"
We ate sushi in a hospital bed, then fucked in a bathroom while I wore a gown. Pretty sure she's the one
My mother just set me up with the son of the man I fucked last weekend. I could crawl under a rock and die OR I could remember the rules of genetics and hope that JR takes after daddy. Wish me luck...
My books smell like weed. What does that tell you about my college experience?
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