How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
Slugs feel like vagina... thought you would want to know
Oh it's happening. I'm Chugging a beer while sitting next to a 6 year old
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
At least it earned you a couple drinks. And something tells me you've touched grosser things with less incentive.
Before attempting to fly away into the night you asked me to take care of your sister. I agreed.
You know your in for a great weekend when you buy the booze already in crutches
This is like a relationship, I expect to be mind blown at least once a week.
The upside of a losing football weekend is that there are more sad frat boys willing to let loose their inner gay man.
It would be like if I said I had the cure for cancer and my explanation was I like turtles.
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
This is seriously fucking awkward. My favorite sex scene just started and my dad's still here. He offered me Cheetos.
he's 22 and listens to dad music. if i hear one more modest mouse song i'll never blow him again
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize
