if he's not good at sex i should be allowed to have sex with someone who is. that's a totally legit statement i think
I'm drinking ghetto ass mojitos!
Wow. How can mojitos be ghetto?
Squirt + bacardi limon + limes = ghetto mojitos
I want to make Jon&Kate babies with him. Not in quantity, but in percentage asian.
I hate the awkward morning-after-I-took-your-virginity conversations.
We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
I dont think punching her boob is the type of reverse psychology that will get her to blow you.
Your ability to be a slut in your nightmare astounds me
She's making tacos & sangria tonight. I'm sure that's how the pilgrims pregamed.
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
My night can be summed up in 3 words: Vodka. Threesomes. Hospital.
Get here now. I need a drinking buddy. I don't care if you're in a different timezone, it'll be five o clock here faster.
Everything isn’t always sunshine & rainbows. Sometimes there’s tequila.
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
Next thing I know her tits are out on my desk. It was straight out of a porno. What was I supposed to do I’m not made of stone
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