Would it be weird if I brought slabs of bacon with me to the beach?
If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
I hope you shit your pants in a socially devastating situation.
I'm so hungover that the internet is hard.
My friend is getting herself a tramp stamp that says "property of the half blood prince".
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
Idk. Each time I ask him about double teaming a woman with Dennis Rodman he just giggles. We will never know what to believe.
I have no idea how I got home or why I am naked but I assume I owe you a thank you...
I don't really want to have sex with him, I'd just want him in a threesome. Does that make sense?
He ordered three small pizzas while I was giving him head.
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
I don't give a shit if you judge. This isn't about you or anyone else. This is about me and my chicken tenders.
I mean...if Marco gets pregnant, it is either the spawn of Satan or the second coming of Christ (neither of which I want in my life). So let's just hope that he doesn't grow a womb and that we don't have to consider either option.
Randomize