My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
don't worry dude, we didn't fuck on your bed out of respect for you
couldn't find a condom?
basically
I am currently in the waffle making stage of highness
and my loofah got caught on my nipple ring in the shower today. what an awful experience.
After he came inside me, he made us hold hands and pray that I wasn't pregnant.
The sad thing is; I'm getting used to walking around feeling like I could hurl at any minute.
I was grinding on people that were grinding. Nonconsensual.
When you turn your data bak on you're gonna get a pic of a nipple but it's not mine
Please come and kill me with a brick you dont even have to be nice about it just smash myfucking skull in this is the worst hangover ive had for at least a week
Literally every boy I've dated is now in a somewhat successful band. My vagina has obviously been blessed by the rock gods.
I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna write gay mortal kombat fanfic. May the gods be praised for whisky
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
SOOOOOO I just attempted to go to the gym, hungover. Ended up throwing up in the bathroom. I hope people think I'm just working out really hard
I woke up in a boat, with a life jacket on, tons of beer cans and no lake... I was inside a garage. WTF
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