The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
Isn't the perk of being in a relationship not having to put in effort for sex?
He needs to realize that there's a big difference between "I love you" and "I love your dick"
.....woke up with a tube of cinnamon buns in my pocket, i miss you
Tonight marks the 1 yr anniversary of me waking up in a bush. is that reason enough to celebrate?
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
Never should have deleted her from my facebook. My new girl is so much hotter than she is, I just want to passive aggressively rub it in her face
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
i almost threw up on his dick. its like icarus, flew too close to the sun. except the sun is his dick and my throat was icarus
When did we go from stumbling drunk into an ER at 3am to dinner double dating?
I just had a flashback to us shaking up Gatorade mix and then inhaling it in your kitchen because it was funny. Now I can't stop laughing in work because that is the stupidest shit.
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
yo dude not sure how this happened but im drunk at your house eating burritos with your mom and sister. hope you're having fun in new zealand
God help them if any millennials are in the vicinity. Rent is too high and we no longer fear death
i guess "never drinking again" is not an option when you invent a whole new level of drunk...
Randomize
