i wish there was an iPhone app that lets you write a TeXt LiKe tHiS
dude...come out of the closet already
And then the cop told me my court date was on 4/20. I said come onn u really gunna do me like that
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
Im about to shotgun a beer using my mother's knitting needles. home sweet home.
I'm glad we have the kind of friendship where if either of us is too drunk to fuck a hot guy, we pass the responsibility to each other and get the job done.
I just re read that. We really need to get our lives together.
im really going to miss that car, so many blow jobs...
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
Do you think i can prewrite an apology on friday and leave it vague enough to just finish on sunday?
I have a theory he's part Neanderthal
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
Hes pre-made beer lollipops so he "can suck before the sex" QUOTE!
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
She was yelling at the tater tots, "In five minutes, you're going in my mouth!"
He started yelling "you tha man!" while I was reverse cowgirl
I'm sorry, that really sucks. I'm in the bath eating lasagna and if anyone comes in here it's going to be bad news for them
Randomize
