even if everyone didnt know them screaming eskimo brothers and high fiveing over my head kinda gave it away
the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
He's drinking red wine in a margarita glass. He couldn't be more perfect for me.
Dude, she sent me a nude of her posing in the mirror and her dad was in the reflection
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
He put himself in the friend zone by calling me dude all night so I blew his friend. Judge me.
Sorry I disappeared. Do you hate me?
Not at all, did you not hear me clapping outside your car on our way out?
If magic marker is safe for kids, it should be safe for cats...right?
So his roommate walked in on us, went upstairs to tell her bf she has found a new use for the rafters & they must try it.
I called him a "Beautiful Bastard" with "Beautiful Bastard Hair". That is how you pick up a guy from Denmark.
I gave him morning sex, a bag of cookies, and dropped him off at work. I believe I deserve the "best hookup award."
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
Nothing cures your heart after a boy calling you unattractive than a big fat dick
so my parents definitely heard me when I was cumming last night...
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