just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
he just flicked a booger into my mouth and shouted "goaaaal!"
Man THE POSTAL SERVICE is awesome when I'm high..... But they suck when I'm sober.
You coming bye my yot got egg sweet carilne vodklaa
i was super drunk. to the point where i was putting shredded cheese on a fork, putting hot sauce on it then dipping it in salsa. it was awesome.
I dont think that yelling at the medic "Christmas is gone, fuck off santa" was the best idea when you couldnt feel your legs.
She gave me what I will now dub a "hurricane sandy". Loud, wet and sloppy BJ that made me want to stay home and complain about shit on the Internet
the 5 D's of Dodgeball literally just saved my life
good news: smoking weed at school again, quality of life has improved drastically
I shit like a lady though so that rarely happens
I just texted my mom from a strip club.
I'm a delicate orchid of a man.
Blossoming into a fierce dragon.
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
Randomize
