So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
No, I'm a firm believer in "Swallow or it isn't love."
just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
im at a loss of words.... a stripper is dancing to a Justin Bieber song.
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
Somehow I feel more guilty using her razor then I do having sex with her boyfriend...
He just made a mudslide using rubinoff and swiss miss packets. This can't end well....
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
PUB CRAWL IS THE WEEK I COME BACK FROM NOLA OMG OMG OMG. Has it been a year already since I tried to make out with you and you let a bar tender take a shot out of your cleavage? Time flies.
You know what I realized today? That my biggest regret of freshman year was ditching you and that foam party to have a one night stand with a skinny jean wearing vocal major.
I am concerned for your priorities but also really flattered. Flattery wins
I rubbed his back while he puked for an hour and then ended up getting laid when I tried to put him to bed, best puke and rally I've ever seen.
I was just tongue fucked into oblivion.
Randomize
