so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
We had sex in the ocean but the tide took our clothes away too. Its no fun walking back to the dorm wearing only a beach blanket between you.
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
Hows that studying goin for you?
I'm in my bathtub in a robe and jeans smoking a bowl and my hair is covered in olive oil
stef broke her leg trying to vault over the coffee table. these olympics drinking games are going to fucking kill us
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
You should just construct a mini-city, actually. Then destroy, photograph and post. Who could turn down a dick that conquered a whole city? Craigslist personals wont know what hit it.
Being able to fart in her presence and not be judged is why I pay half the rent.
My dad just said "fuck circus"
Honestly it was like 3 AM and I only agreed to go to the strip club because I wanted chicken tenders
I think I just saw my socks in the parking lot.. gonna keep walking
Bring shot glasses to the final. Don't ask questions.
Is it too much to ask for 10 minutes of privacy while I masturbate?
I stole a block of cheese from the party last night and put it in my purse but I got so drunk that I left my purse on the floor and my dog ate it.
Randomize
