If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
He's very warm and cuddly, that's my favorite thing about him. Besides his Porche. And his hot brother.
and he said i stripped him down, hand cuffed him to his bed post, and tickled his arm pits, and then continued to watch The Hangover.
They wouldn't let me go to sleep at the police station while I was waiting to bail u out. YOU OWE ME
I'm gonna have to flying elbow somebody tonight in memory of Macho Man
You lured him into the bathroom with a trail of jello shots, then proceeded to barricade the door with duct tape. You really should have thought that one through..
The problem with never associating with your roommate is that you never know if they're dead in their room with the door closed or just gone for the weekend...I sprayed some febreeze just in case.
can we just pause for one second and address the fact that balls were out last night
I just had the stunning realization that I lost my virginity in a bunk bed.
I mean, that's eating your cake and fucking it too.
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
Your the only person to come back from spring break with a non std related infection
My boobs just got me out of my third ticket last night
i'm so proud. i woke up to nearly seven feet of basketball player in my bed this morning
you win. again.
How much glitter would I have to ingest in order for a "magnificent" amount to appear in my ejaculate?
Randomize
