I hate when you've made an ugly girl's day by having sex with her, and then she gets greedy and wants to cuddle after you cum.
I cant help but queef when the male extremity enters
What is a male extremity?
i didnt realize it was that long since you've had sex
We did naked snow angels in 14 degree weather, you can't tell me you had more liquor at that party
I need $500 dollars more than I need a night of dignity... I gonna do it.
I will always remember today as the day I narrowly escaped having to touch a tiny penis
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
What part of I'm done do you not understand? Im not going to send you sex photos to prove I've moved on..
Our room will be decorated with my urine.
Every time I someone I meet again from that wedding it turns into the "Oh your the guy who puked in the hallway and passed out in front of the elevator."
if i dont text back till morning its cause i turned my phone off and changed my password to something i wont remember to stop myself from drunk texting...RESPONSIBILITY
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.
I walked in on a circlejerk after punching that guy out. Instant karma.
my roommates gone so i can take codeine and sleep naked
Randomize
