You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
it was 5AM and you were field goal kicking solo cups into the sink
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
Dude just read our convo. Apparently I was talking to you while I was naked. She wasn't happy about it.
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
Just smoked out of an apple with Steve Jobs. I love Halloween.
Made a pan flute out of the varyingly empty beer bottles on the table. Played a glorious tune that paid tribute to the winds.
im actually trying to see how many sex dolls we need for our raft so we can stay buoyant while we attack kayakers
She finally pulled over after almost hitting 4 cars and a semi and asked me if i was rwady i told her to let my penis to come back out
I finally got out of bed at 8:30pm and my little brother informed me that I had cereal stuck to my back. I'm going to smoke a cigarette and go back to sleep.
I'll ask around, all of my friends have girlfriends now for the most part though so they're all dead inside
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
I'm sorry I lead life with my vagina.
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
I'm sitting naked on my bathroom floor and it remind me of us.
That's my way of saying I miss you
Randomize
