how can u be prego again
Today a TA in one of my classes told me he thought I was 35 and going back to school as an adult learner. Alcohol is working me.
I want to get so wasted that I make middle aged irish men look like mormon girls
i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
The required reading for this week is a paper about birds called great tits. Let's see my TA keep a straight face through this discussion.
It wouldn't have been a big thing. If anything, I woulda apologized to you and cleaned the remote
I let a naked juice spill down my leg for like 30 minutes bc i thought i was hallucinating that my leg was cold.
Just copped mushrooms from a dude in a business suit. U comin or what?
Apparently it's bring your ugly annoying ass piece of shit slob of a baby day at work
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
! asked the random counter guy from 7/11 for Percocet. he immediately called his hookup
I couldn't read the menu. I ordered the first thing I was able to read. Don't think I ate anything. Left $20 on the table.
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
You told me not to tell you found out you're pregnant..
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
Randomize
