wow, farting in latex pants is really awkward.
he pushed my hair back because he said it made me look like kelly kapowski and he told me to call him zach
It's like the Sean Connery of vaginas. You don't mess with it.
somehow writing 'not a skank' on yur boobs doesn't really make you look less skanky...
shes got that 'its my party i can do meth if i want to' mentality. i like that.
I can only get completely wasted and hungry two more times and then we're out of fritos.
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
Only I could run tino my father in law while looking at condoms at Rite Aid. At 730 on a Thursday morning. I'm in trouble.
Finally another gay clarinet player. They're surprisingly rare.
He started humming whilst eating me out. At first it was weird, but my new motto is now don't knock it before you've cum from it
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
I'm just wondering how Jon managed to get vomit ON THE CEILING?
I SWEAR TO ALL THAT IS HOLY I HAVE NEVER WIPED MY GENITALIA ON ANY TYPE OF EMERGENCY RESPONSE VEHICLE!!
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
I am talking to a naked lesbian about robots. I think this means I win life.
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