literally followed a trail of condoms to the bus stop this morning. Ahh modern-day bread crumbs
Note to self: Not getting laid all weekend makes girls in mondays classes racks seem enormously bigger.
Btw, I'm creating an event on fb to celebrate the one yr anniversary since we went to jail.
I gurantee you I'll be the only one dressed as a giraffe.
We're knee deep in HJ's right now.
College is the ONLY place where you can pass off morning sickness as being hungover. I'm currently pouring beer in a spray bottle so I can spray it on myself and smell drunk.
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
you were so blacked last night that you jumped in the lake fully clothed, then just went back to the bar and walked around like you weren't soaking wet.
HE ASKED IF I HAD SIBLINGS WHEN I ASKED HIM TO LICK MY ASSHOLE
Wanna see if we can get cut off at bdubs again? The same hipster manager that is younger than us is working again
I'll give you a blowjob in a Santa hat if it will put you in the Christmas spirit
He took a shot of vodka and AND ATE ME OUT AS A CHASER. YESSS. I AM IN LOVE.
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
Randomize
