I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
She just said she finds Tyler Perry funny... this is not going to work.
The mystery gender stripper never showed up with that party burrito last night.
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
He's carved the words "SLAM STATION" into his headboard...
He was super stoned and then he compared doing meth to having anal sex and told me to "ride that cowboy." The cowboy being my ex.
Roomie questionaires don't ask any of the important questions like "how do you feel about one night stands" and "will you judge me post-walk of shame"
I feel so bad for your roommate
You know, we cock-blocked like 5 people last night. It's like we're her vagina goalies
I can't wait til me and pit bull can just be together
this is the last time i am going to a 7am booty call
EX BOYFRIEND'S TWINS WERE BORN TODAY. THIS CALLS FOR A MARG.
MY BUTT IS BIG ENOUGH FOR AN ANACONDA AND HE DOESNT GET TO ENJOY IT TOUGH SHIT
Probably going to live on vodka sodas and fireball shots
Almost ran out to the street bowl in hand when I hear the ice cream truck pull up outside.
Everything about that text makes me proud to be your sister.
whoevers yellow car is in your driveway right now... i plan to steal. just an FYI
Randomize
