The girl in the car behind me just took a bowl hit. I miss college.
If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
six shots in, he is hammered and doing stretches before each shot
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
You sent her a pic of your dick with 'guess what you cant have anymore' written on it with a marker.
i'm sitting in the second floor bathroom drinking coronas in the shower. do not find me.
A-plus on my thesis. I deserve the blowjob to end all blowjobs. And I wanna wear a crown while you do it.
i think i left a case of beer in your dryer
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
I. Did. In fact. Sprain. My liver. This. Weekend.
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
Do exhausted, barely concealed hand jobs count as joining the mile high club?
Learning to live poor pretty well. Cashed in all the coins in my car for nearly 60 bucks and yelled at a Pizza Hut manager, insisting I have a free pizza credit, until he just gave me a pizza.
he made me cum so hard i had an asthma attack
Randomize
