Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
On a scale from 0 to 24...wait, 3 to 24, where 6 is the lowest and 12 is the highest, how freaking high re you right now?
I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
You were petting your shoe and saying this makes me really happy
that blow job was not worth the clinginess that will follow
Wait time out. Did I start last night with pants?
Ok now I cleared out half the bar and Em and I have 5 Jameson shots lined up for you. You have 15 min.
oh god my hair smells like rotten vegetables, sweat, and tequila. I wanna party with your neighbors every night.
Hate you missed the after party, I was covered in dish soap gliding bare assed down a slip n slide at 6:30 this morning
Brandon just showed up at my place with a florida state cheerleader he met in vegas durin spring break. His life is a fucking movie
you know i have almost 1500 fb friends but not ONE drunk booty call?
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
I just gave him road head. He came in the Taco Bell drive thru which seems pretty typical for my life.
Tent sex on an air mattress requires balance and flexibility. Not for the faint of heart
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
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