btw.sex in the wood isnt as romantic as it seems.heels kept sinking in the dirt and pine needles were sticking to the fishnets
i wish i had your life
do you ever just like the smell of your farts?
So he thinks I sent him a picture of my boob last night, but it was really just a close up of my arm.
You sir are most definitely in. Better get your penis an umbrella as that bad boy is gonna get soakkkkkkeddddd.
It was awesome explaining why I had a tiger with boxers in my bed, a little bit drunk, to a girl in a pre-sex moment
it would be cheaper just to buy a dildo to intimidate people with.
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
I got dressed on his front steps, peed on his neighbors lawn, then did a shoeless walk of shame home at 5am...
We are so drunk half our team had to bowl with a chaperone. We won every game. We drink
I mean, he drove your car and it burst into flames, if anyone cant be trusted, it's him.
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
When I got home he was in his underpants on the couch, eating pop tarts and crying while watching Voltron.
Why does my nose taste spicy?
How do you know what your nose tastes like?
Lies! You took my virginity, and now my cigarettes!
Randomize
