headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
I am planning my day around naps and lesbians.
Babe. Honestly. Trust me. Your balls are not that big. And i'm eager.
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
The sun is so bright. Whhyyyyy. EYES ARE DEAD.
You force fed me pizza in bed last night. That was fun
Omg do you remember last night you kept pointing to your vag asking who wants to play this like a fiddle hahaha
My mouth taste like pussy and my dad noticed. Hahahaha
I sang "A Whole New World" while I took his virginity
That is awesome that you did that.
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
It was 6am and he went immediately for the 69. WTF?? 6am is WAY to early for acrobatics.
Is there such thing as dick sucking teeth guards?
I accepted my type is not "conventionally attractive" when she asked me "Him? Are you sure?" 5 times in front of him last night
Randomize
