I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
she looked like she should be chained to micheal vicks radiator
At any point in time, have you stopped and thought "I wonder how high Willie Nelson is right now?
I have big tits. Rules don't apply to me.
17 year olds will be the death of me.
you fully convinced the taxi driver that we were in a race
Finding out he was uncircumcised by feeling his foreskin in my mouth was NOT ideal. New rule. Lights ALWAYS on.
just thought you should know it took me an hour and a half to make soup. I had to keep laying on my kitchen floor. being 21 is hard.
We have a nice shopping list..vibrators and roller blades
Priorities
Come get your sister, she's waving a shoe about and threatened to "teabag the Shit" out of the doorman because she can't check the shoe in.
I've never been to an orgy, but I would assume nachos wouldn't be out of the question at one.
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
Dad literally changed the channel from an episode of Big Bang Theory to another episode of Big Bang Theory. That's why I hate this show.
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
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