when did we get to this "texting at random" level on friendship?
He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
i threw up on the blunt... he was pissed.
she said she'd blow me if I bought one of her sorority raffle tickets. Goddamn it's gettin easy
Does this sound normal?...She's ironing on pictures of her dead cat to all of her green clothes...
At this point, I really just need a sign in sheet for my vagina.
I've never felt so epic in my entire life as I do right now, my bare testicles staring down the ocean itself
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
Although I would ideally cut back on smoking weed, imagine what getting high and looking for our spirit animals would be like
I could teach a class on "expressing your thanks through photos taken of yourself in the shower"
Bourbon is too strong for my cat, he does not want to drink it
I am going home. I have pee on my pants. Rachel is driving and I and drunk. It is not Rachels pee. It is my pee.
It's become almost a Pavlovian response. The sound of the vacuum being run by hubby causes an instantaneous involuntary orgasm.
I just upped my southern womanhood. Taking whiskey and Kleenex pocket packs to the funeral.
Randomize
