last night was a success...if success means i don't remember the guy's name and my panties are somewhere in the parking lot behind the bar
Dude ... paraplegic porn is really creative..
it's not gay if you rub your penis between their butt cheeks and pretend they are tits
Coffee flavored vodka sounded like such a good idea at the time. Now i never want to drink coffee again.
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
She got all mad because she said it was "unprofessional" to tell my manager to go fist herself.
You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes
There's a lady here with a big bag of dildos. I'm not sure that's appropriate bar baggage but, I like her style
Chris threw beer can at guy. Guy ended up being a fighter. Chris got his eye socket broke. Fighter got hand re-broke. Chris is passed out. Fighter is in kellys bed. everybody won last night. I think.
I feel like he better crank it up to level RG IV tomorrow. It's the fucking playoffs.
I just told the joker that my vagina is the bat cave and he needs to infiltrate it.
I sleep better at night when I win things. I never really weep for others.
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
you walked into the party, and all you had on was your left sock... literally.
Randomize
