Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
i'm in workout clothes. this is progress.
Still drunk just puked in the meat cooler tried to clean it up with ham. Its not working
You threw a bunch of trashcans into the middle of the street and nothing happened. I fell on one car and suddenly there were cops everywhere...
In all fairness I didnt see your dick because it was already in her
I could probably do something when Im able to get enough strength to think about thinking about to stand.
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
I just closed two deals on my laptop from my bathroom while smoking a bowl, like a bawssss. Working from home is my favorite.
"I'm gonna wax that ass" was the successful pick up line used on me last night. Clearly I had a few too many cause it worked..
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
I don't think a gay three way is the best way to confirm your sexuality.
I'm crying and shaving my Bronco playoff beard
Just went grocery shopping with a vibrator in my purse and didn't even realize it. This is what Saturdays are made for.
I just wanted to personally thank you for throwing clementine slivers at me across the room while we made out
What was the name of that sleazy asshole I'm not allowed to sleep with?
Randomize
