I wish i could convert my hornyness to productiveness. I would have written a fucking book by now.
right before he came he said "im ganna fill your stocking" nothing like holiday spirit!!
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
It is official. It's the year of doin married chicks. Similar to the year of virgins but without all the baggage.
And im sorry for wishing your girlfriend gets genital warts.
when it says do not use on the face or genital areas, it MEANS do not use on the face or genital areas.
He's high as balls tripping balls and doing a reenactment of the scene where Buzz jumps off the balcony and can't fly to his soundtrack of Toy Story.
you know it's a good party when the fucking floor caves in. THE FUCKING FLOOR.
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
We can put you in charge of something
I can be in charge of being more wasted than anyone there so everyone feels comfortable being ridiculous
i found you in bed eating fish fillets dipped in chocolate pudding
i just realized I haven't been laid all summer. So sad. What a waste of a perfectly good vagina.
It wasn't exactly a dick pic. It was more like a body shot with a hint of wiener.
You should have thought of that before emitting walrus sounds while intoxicated
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
Randomize
